I’m losing sight of who I am and what is good and important. Instead I am eating food that I know is bad for me, going to sleep too late and sleeping for too long and procrastinating and becoming complacent and letting everything be sloppy. My actions, or lack thereof, are making me angry and sad and I feel a creeping panic in my bones and I might creek and crack and break any day now if something doesn’t change.
But there is so much that I want to change that I just get so overwhelmed and scared that I will end up doing nothing.
I want to blame my partner and put this heaviness on his shoulders but in my heart I know that’s not fair and in my heart I know that’s not right. But these urges that say “ITS NOT MY FAULT IM SO AFRAID!” are so strong and my head screams that “IF HE DID THIS DIFFERENTLY I WOULD FEEL BETTER.” But I know that I am a liar to myself more than anything, and I know that I would say anything to make these feelings not my fault.
It’s almost 1 o’clock and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet because both of my cats are sleeping on me and I don’t want to disturb them.
i wish i was thinner but i also wish that i didn’t wish I was thinner
I feel so unhealthy and generally gross.